So this is when things can get rather tough.  Everyone has their own parenting style and ideas for parenting.  But when there are disagreements with the parenting team, it is not a good thing.  Any kids not just foster will see those problems and will start focusing on them and can start pitting you against one another.  They will know who they can manipulate and get things from and who is the disciplinarian.  In my house since I am the one home all of the time the disciplinarian is of course me; I am the one that sets the rules, that makes the day to day decisions and sadly the "mean one".  Where Brian, he is the fun one; he is a big kid himself and gets to do all of the fun things with the kids.  And yes there are quite a lot of times where I am not happy about any of it.  But the difference between he and I is that I raised my daughter as a single mom with help from family and he was not really a hands on or involved dad.  So he looks at things as the kid and not the parent; and trust me at times that is soooo frustrating!!  It can cause quite a bit of problems with the two of us.  And sadly it has caused some issues.  The issues that have come up so far are when we do not agree on something; he is really quick to say something right in front of the kids and think nothing of it.  I can say to him I think that the kids should go out and shovel the snow; he is like why not that much snow and it will just melt.  So there is no way for me to have them complete the task when they heard that he feels it does not need to be done.  The kids are very prone to follow in his footsteps and do and say things that he says and does.  Or I will get well Mr. Brian said we didn't have to do that.  Again, he does not come and ask me he just gives an answer without checking with me first.  It makes things really tough.  We have to very different ways of looking at things.  And he has a tendency to be less strict with one of them than the other.  I feel so left out and feel that I am always the odd man out.  The three of them will all be in a room laughing and joking; once I walk in; it all changes.  And it does not help the dynamic between me and SS due to the RAD.  I am a loud person in general and anytime I talk I am considered to be yelling, when I try to joke it is always taken the wrong way.  And then if able to joke then she is not able to go from me joking to me being the disciplinarian again and she thinks that I am just joking.  So I do not even have the opportunity to be the fun parent.  I am hoping that in time all of that may change, but it won't be any time soon.  And then with our son; we ourselves are still learning how to deal with his autism.  Just like anything else there is no everyone's autism is the same; each person has different autistic traits and we have to learn his.  At times, they are not noticed then there are times when there is a neon sign over his head.  My most difficult problem is that he talks so low and sort of mumbles and it is so hard to understand what he is saying.  I feel bad sometimes because I have to ask him 3 or more times what he is saying and I have to try and repeat each word to be sure I am getting it correct.  Then there is Brian who at times just acts like he does not hear our son talking at all. (Brian is supposed to be wearing a hearing aid, but never wears it; so he hears pretty much nothing unless we are yelling)  Which makes thing really tough.  We just got Legal Custody of both of the kids so they are now out of the foster system.  So now we will be on our own with figuring things out; with the help of our Behavior Specialist.  Everything takes time to learn our kids, even our birth kids.  And with these kids we sadly have missed part of their lives and have to try to figure them out without that missing piece.  It is not always an easy thing to do and does take some work and a lot of paying attention to what they are doing and saying.  And that is something I do a lot; where Brian not so much.  I have learned our daughter pretty well.  I believe sometimes even more than she actually knows herself.  Have any of you reading this felt like you know your kids better than they know themselves?  Like what they really like; instead of following what other kids do or wear.  Breaks my heart knowing she is not even close to her true potential.  Would love to hear how other parents deal with situations with your kids.  And do you have problems with not always being a team with your spouse?  Hoping it isn't just me and my household struggling.  Would love to hear from anyone reading this.  The struggles are real when you have your spouse and kids in one area and you are in another on your own.  Tonight I have them watching an older movie, The Neverending Story.  Will see what they think of it or if they will sit and watch the entire movie with me.  Be back soon.  Hope everyone is ready for Christmas, will try and write before the end of the week next week.

So the daily life of having kids.  The past week has been crazy, to say the least.  Some good and some not so good.  Will start with the good.  Our daughter, SS, did speak up and mention at her medication review that she is having trouble sleeping.  I have been trying to get her to say something now for about six to nine months.  But this time she had a bit of a melt down over the weekend and I had to tell her that some of the things she is going through are due to her not sleeping at night.  And that due to her mind going constantly she is not able to relax and fall asleep.  But is wanting to sleep all day; which is not a good thing.  She is also working on talking to me a bit more; which is awesome!!   I now sit in with her during her EMDR therapy; is tough hearing some of the things that she says from her past. Just breaks my heart.  I love this kid like I gave birth to her, I feel like she is mine and can't imagine the things that she has been put through by someone that she should have been able to trust and know would keep her safe.  Does explain why she would not trust me, since the person that hurt her the most was her birth mom.  But in saying that it does not make it any easier to deal with not having any real type of bond with a child that you love so much.  Not sure if any of this is making sense to anyone else.  But know if you are reading this and can say you understand, know you are not alone.  Cause that is how I feel at times; like I am hurting her even more and that I am not being a good parent to her when I say I do not believe or trust her.  But that mother intuition just kicks in sometimes and can't be let go.  And is funny how it happens with her so much; like I can tell without her saying a word that something is wrong, that she is hurting, that she is scared.  But if I ask I get nothing is wrong, you don't know me.  When all I want is to hold her and help her through the rough patches of life.  But due to her past I am not able to hug her unless it is on her terms, or really touch her for that matter.  It sadly is going to take years for her and I to truly have any type of bond or real trust in one another.  But that again does not make it any easier to handle the hurt and divide between her and I.  I wish that we could all just go out in public and enjoy family time together; but each time we do there is some type of blowup and I am the one hurt the most and the one who ends up feeling miserable and does not have a good time.  But each time I go somewhere I wish so bad that the kids were with me.  I love doing family things especially at this time of year.  And I also deal with just wanting to get out of the house and do something fun.  Brian typically takes the kids to the movies and other things and I am the one stuck here at the house myself.  It hurts that I can not join in the fun; and I feel so distant from all three of them at times.  But at least Brian and I have started at least once or twice a month Brit watches the kids for us so that we can go do something together.  Which really helps!!  We recently went to Steubenville, Ohio and say the different Nutcrackers and a Lantern Parade.  It was a great evening for he and I, was so cool to see.  Strongly suggest for people to go and see, they even have an area where kids can be inside and play as well as a little town square area where you can get drinks and other things cool things and a screen that kids can watch Christmas shows.  They also have stations where they have heaters to keep warm.   Now on to our boy; well he has had his own struggles as well.  We are still learning how do deal with his autism; at times it is flashing bright lights at us and other it is like it isn't even there.  But am happy he is now working with a therapist.  It is a start, but we also have a long way to go with him.  This past week he got so upset about something that he actually put a hole in the tub with his heel.  So they were not able to take a shower until it got fixed and yes he his grounded.  But is so hard to get him to understand that what he did was wrong.  We are on a learning curve as well and learning how to communicate and relay information isn't always easy.  But am very glad that we do have a great behavior specialist that we are working with to teach us the right ways to do things.  I did recently implement a chore and activity chart with pictures and magnets for him to place what chores he did for the day as well as the activities he chooses to do.  He has done it way more than he did the regular chore chart.  So that is a big plus.  When new foster kids come into your house you never know what things you may need to learn or what they do and do not know how to do based on their past traumas.  But when you know that they will be staying with you for the rest of their lives, it makes it even more important to try and understand and learn as much as possible to be able to communicate and make their lives easier and so that they are able to succeed.  At least that is how I feel about these to kids.  I want them to achieve all that they are meant to in life.  And for them to know that even when things get rough that they are loved and wanted so very much.  Ok next time I think I will talk about the struggles with parenting.  Til next time.

First I truly hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving with their family and friends.  Ours was great, the first one in about 10 years that my daughter, Brit was home for, so that made it even better.  I made a 26 lb turkey and we feel that there should have been way more left over than there was, LOL.  I did quite a bit of baking and cooking up to Thanksgiving and I know that my Fibro is now kicking my butt.    

As I have stated it was a few years journey for me to find out what was going on with me.  And some of those years were really tough.  Starting with losing my mom, then not long after my back surgery my daughter, Brit, decided to move to Georgia.  That was really tough.  My entire world changed.  I started to lose all of my coping skills that I used when I was stressed.  I could no longer go to the gym, couldn't go for my walks in the park.  And then I started to struggle at work.  All while feeling really off, knowing there was something wrong but having no idea how to fix it.  That was the worst, because people would look at me strange for the little jumps from the "shocks" I would get.  No one could understand how I was feeling.  And having no real diagnosis for quite a while wasn't easy either.  Made me feel like I was going crazy.  Then when I went to a rheumatologist at the Cleveland Clinic.  She did all types of tests and when I went back for the results; and she explained Fibromualgia and Sjogrens disorder; I sat and cried.  The feeling of relief was so overwhelming.  Was like ok, I am not crazy, I am not imagining all of these symptoms.  There really is something wrong with me.  Not sure if anyone else can relate to this feeling.  Luckily all of this was found out before we started fostering.  But even now, I still have new symptoms.  The one that bothers me the most is that I have no control over my feelings or reactions anymore.  I at times blow up way to fast; and not at all the reaction I want to have.  I use to be calm and be able to handle things much better.  I have changed into a different person and I am still learning who I am.  I know that my husband has not adjusted well to the change.  He has constantly said how he wishes he could get his old wife back.  But unfortunately that person is long gone.  And at times I feel he is not liking this new me.  Can't lie at times I am not really fond of this new version either.  But think it will just take some time to get use to.  I have always had a very high pain tolerance; so the pain is something I can deal with.  But when I can't focus, I use to love to read, I can no longer read.  When I have tried I am reading the same line over and over again, and have no idea what I read.  I use to get lost in books and that was an escape for me.  But no more, I have tried the audible books, but it isn't the same for someone who prefers holding the book and reading herself.  There are times when I wonder if anyone else has the same feelings that I do, if anyone else feels alone and like none of this is fair.  I would love to have my old life back, be able to go walking in the park with my dogs, ride a bike, read, not only feel good when laying in bed.  I miss the old me as well; more than I care to admit.  And with the kids it is a new learning experience, between learning them and learning what I need to do so that I don't have more bad days than good.  And I do not let on to them if it is a really bad day.  These kids would so take advantage and I won't let that happen.  I still have the fight in me where I am in charge of my house.  Several of the girls that have been in our house have wanted to be in charge and I have had to show them that is not an option.  It has been a battle at times.  But one that I will fight through daily.  But with the kids it is tough when have very little energy and all I want to do is sleep.  With all of this I have gotten myself a therapist; I feel so lucky to have found the one that I have.  She tells me like it is and tells me if I am wrong about something.  It is good to have someone that will be honest and open with me and help me handle and figure things out.  But yet she does not make me feel like a failure.  I was never one in the past that was a fan of compliments.  But I do have to say I welcome them now.  Sometimes, that is the only way that I know what I am doing is good and right.  That I am helping these kids as much as them being with us is helping me.  I have grown to love every single child that has been in our house.  They are all very special in their own ways and yes they can teach me things that I didn't even realize I needed to know.  I do wonder if anyone else feels the way I do; does not have to be due to Fibromyalgia but other unseen disabilities.  There are so many out there.  I was taught that you treat everyone with respect and the way you want to be treated; because you never know what someone else is going through.  I was lucky enough to have an amazing Grandma who taught me so much about life and I hope that I can teach even a single thing that she taught me to these kids, then maybe they will leave our house better than the way they came in.  And that is the way I choose to look at life.  Will be back soon to talk about current day events and more reminiscing about anything and everything.