So the daily life of having kids. The past week has been crazy, to say the least. Some good and some not so good. Will start with the good. Our daughter, SS, did speak up and mention at her medication review that she is having trouble sleeping. I have been trying to get her to say something now for about six to nine months. But this time she had a bit of a melt down over the weekend and I had to tell her that some of the things she is going through are due to her not sleeping at night. And that due to her mind going constantly she is not able to relax and fall asleep. But is wanting to sleep all day; which is not a good thing. She is also working on talking to me a bit more; which is awesome!! I now sit in with her during her EMDR therapy; is tough hearing some of the things that she says from her past. Just breaks my heart. I love this kid like I gave birth to her, I feel like she is mine and can't imagine the things that she has been put through by someone that she should have been able to trust and know would keep her safe. Does explain why she would not trust me, since the person that hurt her the most was her birth mom. But in saying that it does not make it any easier to deal with not having any real type of bond with a child that you love so much. Not sure if any of this is making sense to anyone else. But know if you are reading this and can say you understand, know you are not alone. Cause that is how I feel at times; like I am hurting her even more and that I am not being a good parent to her when I say I do not believe or trust her. But that mother intuition just kicks in sometimes and can't be let go. And is funny how it happens with her so much; like I can tell without her saying a word that something is wrong, that she is hurting, that she is scared. But if I ask I get nothing is wrong, you don't know me. When all I want is to hold her and help her through the rough patches of life. But due to her past I am not able to hug her unless it is on her terms, or really touch her for that matter. It sadly is going to take years for her and I to truly have any type of bond or real trust in one another. But that again does not make it any easier to handle the hurt and divide between her and I. I wish that we could all just go out in public and enjoy family time together; but each time we do there is some type of blowup and I am the one hurt the most and the one who ends up feeling miserable and does not have a good time. But each time I go somewhere I wish so bad that the kids were with me. I love doing family things especially at this time of year. And I also deal with just wanting to get out of the house and do something fun. Brian typically takes the kids to the movies and other things and I am the one stuck here at the house myself. It hurts that I can not join in the fun; and I feel so distant from all three of them at times. But at least Brian and I have started at least once or twice a month Brit watches the kids for us so that we can go do something together. Which really helps!! We recently went to Steubenville, Ohio and say the different Nutcrackers and a Lantern Parade. It was a great evening for he and I, was so cool to see. Strongly suggest for people to go and see, they even have an area where kids can be inside and play as well as a little town square area where you can get drinks and other things cool things and a screen that kids can watch Christmas shows. They also have stations where they have heaters to keep warm. Now on to our boy; well he has had his own struggles as well. We are still learning how do deal with his autism; at times it is flashing bright lights at us and other it is like it isn't even there. But am happy he is now working with a therapist. It is a start, but we also have a long way to go with him. This past week he got so upset about something that he actually put a hole in the tub with his heel. So they were not able to take a shower until it got fixed and yes he his grounded. But is so hard to get him to understand that what he did was wrong. We are on a learning curve as well and learning how to communicate and relay information isn't always easy. But am very glad that we do have a great behavior specialist that we are working with to teach us the right ways to do things. I did recently implement a chore and activity chart with pictures and magnets for him to place what chores he did for the day as well as the activities he chooses to do. He has done it way more than he did the regular chore chart. So that is a big plus. When new foster kids come into your house you never know what things you may need to learn or what they do and do not know how to do based on their past traumas. But when you know that they will be staying with you for the rest of their lives, it makes it even more important to try and understand and learn as much as possible to be able to communicate and make their lives easier and so that they are able to succeed. At least that is how I feel about these to kids. I want them to achieve all that they are meant to in life. And for them to know that even when things get rough that they are loved and wanted so very much. Ok next time I think I will talk about the struggles with parenting. Til next time.