As I have stated it was a few years journey for me to find out what was going on with me. And some of those years were really tough. Starting with losing my mom, then not long after my back surgery my daughter, Brit, decided to move to Georgia. That was really tough. My entire world changed. I started to lose all of my coping skills that I used when I was stressed. I could no longer go to the gym, couldn't go for my walks in the park. And then I started to struggle at work. All while feeling really off, knowing there was something wrong but having no idea how to fix it. That was the worst, because people would look at me strange for the little jumps from the "shocks" I would get. No one could understand how I was feeling. And having no real diagnosis for quite a while wasn't easy either. Made me feel like I was going crazy. Then when I went to a rheumatologist at the Cleveland Clinic. She did all types of tests and when I went back for the results; and she explained Fibromualgia and Sjogrens disorder; I sat and cried. The feeling of relief was so overwhelming. Was like ok, I am not crazy, I am not imagining all of these symptoms. There really is something wrong with me. Not sure if anyone else can relate to this feeling. Luckily all of this was found out before we started fostering. But even now, I still have new symptoms. The one that bothers me the most is that I have no control over my feelings or reactions anymore. I at times blow up way to fast; and not at all the reaction I want to have. I use to be calm and be able to handle things much better. I have changed into a different person and I am still learning who I am. I know that my husband has not adjusted well to the change. He has constantly said how he wishes he could get his old wife back. But unfortunately that person is long gone. And at times I feel he is not liking this new me. Can't lie at times I am not really fond of this new version either. But think it will just take some time to get use to. I have always had a very high pain tolerance; so the pain is something I can deal with. But when I can't focus, I use to love to read, I can no longer read. When I have tried I am reading the same line over and over again, and have no idea what I read. I use to get lost in books and that was an escape for me. But no more, I have tried the audible books, but it isn't the same for someone who prefers holding the book and reading herself. There are times when I wonder if anyone else has the same feelings that I do, if anyone else feels alone and like none of this is fair. I would love to have my old life back, be able to go walking in the park with my dogs, ride a bike, read, not only feel good when laying in bed. I miss the old me as well; more than I care to admit. And with the kids it is a new learning experience, between learning them and learning what I need to do so that I don't have more bad days than good. And I do not let on to them if it is a really bad day. These kids would so take advantage and I won't let that happen. I still have the fight in me where I am in charge of my house. Several of the girls that have been in our house have wanted to be in charge and I have had to show them that is not an option. It has been a battle at times. But one that I will fight through daily. But with the kids it is tough when have very little energy and all I want to do is sleep. With all of this I have gotten myself a therapist; I feel so lucky to have found the one that I have. She tells me like it is and tells me if I am wrong about something. It is good to have someone that will be honest and open with me and help me handle and figure things out. But yet she does not make me feel like a failure. I was never one in the past that was a fan of compliments. But I do have to say I welcome them now. Sometimes, that is the only way that I know what I am doing is good and right. That I am helping these kids as much as them being with us is helping me. I have grown to love every single child that has been in our house. They are all very special in their own ways and yes they can teach me things that I didn't even realize I needed to know. I do wonder if anyone else feels the way I do; does not have to be due to Fibromyalgia but other unseen disabilities. There are so many out there. I was taught that you treat everyone with respect and the way you want to be treated; because you never know what someone else is going through. I was lucky enough to have an amazing Grandma who taught me so much about life and I hope that I can teach even a single thing that she taught me to these kids, then maybe they will leave our house better than the way they came in. And that is the way I choose to look at life. Will be back soon to talk about current day events and more reminiscing about anything and everything.
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