Drained

Things have been really crazy since the last time I wrote.  The year is not starting off as I had hoped it would.  It has been a really rough start both with the kids and my husband.  Sadly things with my daughter have gotten really bad.  We basically have no real connection anymore.  During the Christmas break I was so happy; things went well, at least that is how I felt.  We were talking, doing things together, I was able to joke a bit and laugh with her.  Then she went back to school and nothing has been the same since.  It seems that something has changed and I am not really sure what it is.  We have two totally different stories as to how the Christmas break went.  She says it was awful and I say I thought it went rather well.  And then about a week ago I went into her therapy appointment with her to talk about some of the things happening.  And during that session I found out that she does not want any type of relationship with me.  Hearing that hurt so bad.  But then we come home and she wants to act like all is okay and that there is nothing wrong.  I cannot act like all is okay when there are so many things wrong between us.  We can't even have a normal conversation.  She says she wants to be able to do more; but does not understand that she needs to show that she can handle the additional responsibility.  It is so rough because I love this girl so much and wish so much that she would see it and give me a chance instead of always thinking the worst of me.  And the biggest issue is taking responsibility for her actions and learning that actions speak louder than words.  And most importantly that it takes two in order to have a relationship; one can't do all the work.   She has been with us for the past two and a half years; but still has quite a lot to realize and she has to make the decision to start letting go of the things from her past and to be grateful for what she currently has.  I can only hope that someday she will realize that she is really safe and has a family that loves and wants her.  But we just have to be patient and keep our fingers crossed that things will change.  

Then we recently got a new foster; but unfortunately it didn't last long.  She was great over the weekend; but then this past week something changed and I had to call the help line and they came out and it ended up she was taken to the hospital.  I had to do all that I could to keep our daughter and son safe.  I wasn't really worried about her hurting me; but making sure that the kids were all safe.  She kept saying she wanted to kill me; but I was not worried.  All that she was able to get was a butter knife; and I could tell that she wasn't going to hurt me.  After everything was said and done we had the help line staff here, two police officers, a fire truck with four fire fighters arrived and then the ambulance.  It was a mess and I can only hope that she is able to get the help that she needs and will be able to go into another foster home.  So we are back to having an empty bed and I guess we will have to wait and see how long before we are able to fill the bed.

And then the situation is with my husband.  He is finally realizing that he has been missing things with the kids and for the past few days he has been stepping up and helping more; which is an amazing thing.  But I have told him that he needs to find us a couples therapist.  We need the help to be able to communicate better and become a true team that no kid can separate.  So time will tell I guess. 

I just know that I am drained and that my fibromyalgia is starting to flare up and I am just both mentally and physically exhausted.  

I do hope that if I have any readers out there that you are doing well and staying safe and healthy.  I will be back much sooner next time.  I have a lot more to talk about.