Well I really hope everyone had an amazing Christmas. Today I would love to talk about how having Fibromyalgia changes you and affects those close to you. Accepting the changes that happen is rough in itself. You see yourself turning into someone you no longer know. Someone that is nothing like the person you once were. Accepting these changes is also hard for those close to you. My husband is now dealing with some of the feelings with who I am now compared to the person I was when we got married. It is rough having him tell me what is happening to me; when I am the one living it. Something happens that he can not explain he is looking up Fibromyalgia to see if it can be the cause of the way I am acting. When I try to explain that I no longer have control of my emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get angry way to fast, I get upset at the lack of communication. When I was a single mom I was able to control my emotions and stay calm in situations. Sadly that is not the case now at all; I blow up when I just want to have a conversation; I get frustrated when being ignored. Which is what teenagers do daily. But now I get so disappointed in myself for the way that I react to the kids and my husband on a daily basis. I am not sure if anyone else deals with the agitation of not being able to control your reactions; or wondering why you are acting the way you are over something you use to be able to handle. If anyone reading this does struggle with any of this or it is hitting home; know you are most definitely not alone. I do know that everyone's version of Fibromyalgia is different which also makes things tough because you can be dealing with something that no one else with this has dealt with. And then you feel like there is even more wrong with you. Not easy because Fibromyalgia is one of those invisible disorders. Just because you look healthy and okay does not mean that is the case at all. And there are so many other disabilities that are the same way; and I was taught that you never know what someone else is going through; so be respectful and treat people the way you would want to be treated. Does anyone else feel lost or stressed with what is happening to them? I know I sure as heck do. I would get so frustrated with my husband when he use to say he wants his wife back. That would make me feel even worse. He says that I no longer show emotion; but to me I feel I am way more emotional about things and that is not a good thing. I do know that I do show almost no affection with him; and that is not by choice, I just can't handle being touched. I have no doubt that is hard to deal with; because it is awful for me. I love my husband more than anything and hate that I can not be affectionate the way I use to be. I would love to hear from anyone reading this and how you deal with any of these things; if they are things that you actually deal with. I always feel that I am not doing a good job anymore with being a wife, mom and even a friend. I can help anyone with their problems; but with my own, I struggle with if I am making the right decisions. I rarely take time for me other than when I need sleep. I can sleep the entire day away at times and I even get upset with myself over that. I would give anything to be able to go for a walk with my dogs and not be exhausted; to go outside and do yard work without being in pain; be able to sweep the floors in my own house. Also; just do typical household chores and not need to sit down in between doing something; to not start breathing like I have run a marathon when all I did was walk to the bathroom. Being a foster mom I do wonder at times if I am helping these kids that I get or hurting them due to my reactions to things that they may do. I want so much to believe that I am still helping. We currently only have the kids that we now have legal guardianship of. But we do have a bed open for another girl. Guess time will tell as to when we may be able to fill the bed. But I do know that I hate making others doubt how I feel or question my reactions. Is this just me that feels this way?
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