Chaos

We have had so much happen since I last wrote.  I have not been in the mood to do any writing because I am lost and no idea how to handle all that is happening.  We got a new foster that started off as a respite; but has since become a permanent placement.  I have been working on getting her on the right medications; which as you may know takes some time.  After three attempts I feel that we have finally found something that may actually work for her.  We have some adjusting,  I think she may need a second dose of the medication in the middle of the day, we have an appointment next month so will find out then what he will want to do for her.  But this young lady is 9 years old, very bright, funny and a beautiful young lady.  She just wants to fit in but does have quite a bit to learn about personal space, boundaries and with her ADHD she is all over the place.  It is getting better, but still have some work to do.  She has only been with us since March; so we all know it takes time; and she moved from another home where she was with her siblings.  So she is adjusting to no longer being with them and one of them was her twin.  She is having a rough time sometimes not being with her twin.  Won't lie it is nice at times having a child that wants to be around me.  Like right now her and I are sitting on the front porch, I am doing my blog and she is drawing.  She likes to come and talk to me about just about everything.  She can talk a mile a minute, she talks so much and ask questions, but never stops for us to give her an answer to any of her questions.  But at least now she is able to sit and draw and read; where when she first got here that wasn't able to happen.  She has made quite a bit of progress since coming to us.  She use to run away on a regular basis; we have gotten that under control so am very happy about that.

Now on to my other two; where to start.  Will go with the oldest first our girl.  Well we have had so many different things happening with her in the past few months.  First she and a girl across the street made some TikTok videos that were not appropriate at all and said some things that really worried us.  But of course when asked it was that none of it was true or that it didn't happen while she was here; and again, I do not believe any of that.  I wish there was a way to get her to be honest and to take things seriously and see that we really do love and care about and want her.  She is going to be 14 in July want so much for her and I to do something together but she has expressed that she does not want any type of relationship with me.  There was a huge blow up argument and she said that she made her choice as to who she wants a relationship with and it isn't me; it is my husband.  And he is the one she is making the efforts with.  When it comes to me; she does her best to totally avoid me at all costs.  Which makes for a very uncomfortable household at times.  I am needing to face that there is nothing I can do if she does not want a relationship with me.  I have done all I can and now the ball is in her court.  With the help of our Behavior Specialist, who is totally AMAZING, and my therapist; I am working on the things I need to work on.  And none of them are easy fixes; I have to learn to not blow up and yell all the time and try and work on letting some of the little things go.  I am making some progress but still have a ways to go.  I am also trying not to run to food when I am stressed or worried.  I really have to work on my health as well.  So I said I am taking a page out of our girls book and saying I am putting myself first for once.  I just really wish that her and I had some type of relationship, where I could joke and laugh with her.  I miss the relationship that we use to have where we talked and shared things.  Ok so back to our girl; she also got kicked out of school the last week due to wanting to fight another girl.  So the principal decided to remove both girls so that they would not fight and get expelled or anything.   And then after that she climbed out of her bedroom window in the middle of the night and who knows where she went that time.  So because of that we now have an outdoor camera facing her bedroom window so we know when she sneaks out.  Since we cannot totally block the window from opening because the kids have to be able to get out in case of a fire or something.    There is so much more, we are also looking into if she has any other types of disorders; which again is scary because she has to want to do the work to fix all of this stuff and she is showing that is not something she wants to do.  I have told my husband that we have to face that I will most likely never have a real relationship with her and that thought really does hurt.  I know everyone says to not take any of what she is doing personally; but how can you not when she repeatedly says how much she hates being in our house and doesn't want to be around me.  Sorry but that all hurts, more than words can say.  To me she is my daughter in all aspects of the word.    She also ran away for about 8 hours from about 8p until about 3:30a.  This mom was scared to death, we even called the police since we could not find her.  Unfortunately,  I didn't believe where she said she was; and come to find out that I was right she insisted she wasn't with a boy; but she now says she was but nothing happened.  I have my doubts about that as well.  I just can not believe anything she says which makes things so tough.  Even with simple little things she will lie about them so how can I believe anything she says when it comes to big events.  Now she and the girl across the street are no longer able to play together for the rest of the summer.   They made some really bad choices and were on an inappropriate site and talking to some older boys/men.  But of course was not our girl's fault, she wants to blame it totally on the other when in fact they both played a major part in it.  So now she has no one to hang out with for the rest of the summer and that is due to her choices.  She still refuses to invite any girls over; and still says it is my fault she cannot do anything when all that she has to do is invite her friends over for us to meet them.  I can only hope that someday things could change between us; but I will not hold my breath.

Now our boy; well he is struggling a bit as well.  He did something I never thought he would do and also ran away.  Talk about scary, I never even considered that he would do that.  We are very lucky that all that happened was that he ended up with dehydration and heat exhaustion.  He was sick for two days and had to work on him being able to keep liquids down and then worked our way up to regular foods.  I am so grateful that was all that ended up happening.  But we still have quite a bit to work through with him as well.  He seems to be going backwards a bit and shutting down.  So we have to figure out what is happening; not always an easy task to accomplish.  He holds everything in and it is difficult to get him to talk or express his feelings.  But we will not give up on either of them.  Sadly I would rather be hurt than any of the kids in my house whether they are mine or in the foster system.  I will protect them with all that I have.

I really hope that everyone had a great July 4th and enjoyed time with your families.  I do hope that anything I write may help someone else or at least let others know that they are not alone.  

Until next time.